I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 20. I began to have symptoms when I was about 15. I was depressed in high school. I lost my desire to move forward. I questioned the meaning of life. I thought that if nothing happened after we die then there is no point to anything. I don’t think these questions are part of bipolar but they were all happening at the same time. My grades dropped and I barely graduated high school. I slept all the time and had little motivation.
I went off to college, Northern Arizona University. Flagstaff. I still didn’t care about school or trying anything. I smoked weed and continued my quest for meaning. I believe God was drawing me even though I didn’t know it. I did drugs to explore the mind. Nothing “hardcore.” I got into depth psychology. I turned inward.
Finally, after a long time of isolating, unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, continued substance abuse and an emerging illness waiting to rear it’s head, I had my first manic episode.
I’m now about 13 years since my first episode. It has been a roller coaster. I’m finally leveling off but the threat of another episode is always there. I am on a solid concoction of medicine. I have been stable for awhile now. And I’m leaving for Rock Creek in about a month and a half.
Rock Creek is a campground near Mammoth, California. Our family used to go there during summers when I was a kid. Last September, I went camping with my sister and her husband there. Somehow I got the idea of working there so I called and asked about it. They just hired me about a month ago. I say this because it is a big step for me. I will be out of my parents house and in a new environment. I think this is exactly what I need. But there is always a risk of having an episode when things change. But we have to take risks at some point. We can’t live comfortable and have an abundant life. Those don’t go together. At the same time we have to be prudent. Rock Creek is out in nature in a calm environment. I will have work to do and I will be able to do some work of my own, songwriting, reading, running, relaxing and preparing for the future, because after Rock Creek I plan to go back to school in Montana. So life is happening and anything is possible. My health is at the top of my priority list so everything seems to revolve around it. I’ll need to learn how to keep it there.